hotmuffin - newtrition thats not so good for you

tastebugs and other body bits

2007-09-20T23:36:00.000+10:00

ummmmm

jp informed me in all sincerity(thats what his face showed) the other night that his tastebugs are different to my tastebugs and that only HIS tastebugs knew what HE liked.

he could have just told me what he wanted for dinner earlier when i asked him and i would have made something his tastebugs actually liked.

rj announced yesterday that his bottom was itchy and he needed chocolate to fix it.

we went to the chemist and made sure his (and everyone elses) bottom was soothed with yummy chocolate. im sure any parasites in there would have enjoyed it too. til they died from the secret hidden ingredient (hehehe die you fucking intestinal tract hitchikers)

in another unrelated conversation....

jp: mum do you remember when you thought you knew everything?
me: you mean when YOU thought i knew everything . dont hang your disappointments of reality on me sweetheart
jp: sorry mum it was just a bit sad that day

these are small excerpts from conversations held during a normal day in our house.......

family unplanning

2007-07-25T12:48:00.000+10:00

heres a list of things to expect when you make an appointment with family planning regarding iud replacement and dont take into account that its a staff "personal development" (im wtfing too)day at school and your children arent a part of it.....

1. your children will be with you
2. they will listen intently to the conversation in great bewilderment and amazement or think the appt is all about them and they need their bp taken
3. you will suddenly be told you need to have an internal examination during this appt
4. your children will want to watch
5. if you have a cervix that sits quite high up:
a) tell them
b) go and put more money in the parking meter because this may take a while
6. the nurse wont be able to find your cervix and will go and get a bigger speculum
7. your children will be playing peek-a-boo with you from behind the curtain
8. the bigger speculum will prove to be far more uncomfortable and just as useless in the search for your cervix
9. the nurse will ask another nurse to see if she can find it
10. you will then receive a phone call at this point from someone about your eldest child and his speech processor upgrade
11. the other nurse cant find it
12a. your eight yr old will want a cuddle
12b. your 7yr old shows you the cool but too small plastic bracelet he found. be sure to ask the nurse if thats a nova ring. shes bound to confirm it is but not to worry ast its only a sample model.
13. the nurse chooses that point to get a doctor to have a look
14. the doctor comes and (eventually) finds it
15. your eight yr old wants to know whats so fascinating between your legs that 3 women not only have to see but they also need a light to do so
16. your seven year old wants to know what an iud is
17. its now time for the rest of the pelvic exam
18. when the doctor reaches your left ovary, you will believe she is trying to drive her finger THROUGH it
19. she will then ask if it hurts
20. if you personally remove her hand from the situation, this will assure her that it does
21. you will have to repeat point 20 when she does it again
22. both of your children want to go home NOW regardless of the fact you have no pants on
23. you walk out eventually with a ultrasound request and a vague rememberance of dignity

doofdoofarrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhdoofdoof

2007-05-15T18:59:00.000+10:00

pmsl dudefalling you gotta watch it

locations role in comprehension (i.e you had to be there)

2007-03-25T09:49:00.000+10:00

"oh and that bit was so funny when he threw the bone and rexie chased it and remember when they guy had a gun that didnt work and the monkey that stole the keys all the time and that waterwheel is so cool how it comes off and mum did you see that bit where i was frozone and i made the fire into ice and the bad guys that stole the gold thing they were so bad and when the mummy came to life he was all dusty i thought he would be a skeleton and the two guys in the remote control car and it exploded and how you can get will to stand on the waterwheel with his sword going (makes swordfight moves) and then the statue "dumdum give me gumgum" he's the funniest ever and the 3 old guys they were really just pretending to be old but they could fight and then frozone can make an icebridge and it was so funny when rexie was drinking from the water thing cause he's just bone and when they stabbed the tyre and most of the men blew away like this "whooooaaaaa" (actions included) and they tried to run the guy over with the train but it just smashed into his head yea that was the best"

explanation and interpretation time:

that was part of the 2 hour debrief from jp after dragging the bratboys around yesterday looking for some seriously mundane necessities i.e vacuum cleaner, we went via toys r us to my brothers house and had dinner and watched a movie.

at toys r us bought the incredibles xbox game where mr incredible smashes things and frozone freezes things.

we also bought rj the megabloks pirates of the caribbean waterwheel. 160 pieces, 1 hour to build, 5 seconds to destroy.......

we watched "night at the museum" as well. its brilliant!

which is why it took jp longer to talk about it than the runtime lmao

adaptitudes

2007-02-06T00:33:00.000+11:00

its just fantastic that ive moved to the other side of the country and some ppl have decided that, instead of telling me im missed or my jumpstarters are needed (theyre not mine btw guys) or sometimes starfish move etc etc, to have heaps of insulting shite piled on me instead.

BECAUSE LEAVING ALL OF MY FRIENDS WASNT HARD TO DO AT ALL AND LIVING WITH MY BROTHER IS JUST A DREAM COME TRUE. NOW GET TO SIT COMPLETELY ALONE AND WADE THROUGH THE PAPERWORK JUST TO GET INTO UNI, NOT HAVE FRIENDS POP IN FOR COFFEE OR SPEND HOURS SNUGGLED UP WITH THEM AND WONDER WHAT THE FUCK IVE DONE TO GET MYSELF INTO THIS SCENARIO AND FURTHER, HAVE A FRIEND CALL ME SEVERAL TIMES FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY AND THINK ITS OK AND EXTREMELY FUNNY TO TELL ME I SUCK AND MY ARSE SHOULD BE KICKED ALOT

ITS WHAT IVE ALWAYS WANTED.

let me unassure you all of that last statement by saying *end sarcasm*

the end

kinda.........

p.s thanx you lot who tell me you do miss me and stuffs. you know i miss and love you all incessantly back. even obsessionally (i put that in to scare you and make you think im coming back soon)

dub dub dub

2007-01-28T00:06:00.000+11:00

because ppl taking the piss out of barry white AND lotr is always funny.......

i like drunk

2007-01-24T18:43:00.000+11:00

drunk? bored? best mate passed out? fresh out of ideas on what to do to him/her?

try here for more great ideas and dont forget to take pics. youre friends will love that even tho they cant remember, theres pic of their real life experience anyway........

moving experiences

2007-01-23T13:31:00.000+11:00

so i went cross-country in one of possibly the biggest moves you could do on this planet without leaving the country - east to west coast

i lost my sense of humour somewhere in the mayhem. im hoping its packed and on its way with my other important bits that are almost late to arrive via backload. i wonder if a backloaded sense of humour will arrive untraumatised. either way, i need it back. i couldnt even put a singles ad anywhere saying i have a "GSOH" (i dont think anyone would believe its in transit)

interesting thing when you leave somewhere is ppl coming to tell you how much they feel for you and always have. that info is fucking useless to me when leaving. ok not useless just detrimental to my sanity. so easy for someone to pour their heart out to you when there will be no aftermath visible to them. kinda nice to know tho

i had a birthday somewhere in there too. rj woke up and said to me

"morning mummy. nice hat"
(this is where i verify there was no hat)

when jp finally remembered, he said

"does that mean we have to be nice to you today"

im never having another birthday

and now i live with 5 males including the cat. sadly, theyre all related (cept the cat). this is why i desperately need my sense of humour back...............

why did they stop making cool toys

2006-12-28T11:10:00.001+11:00

"and we'll all feel gay when johnny comes marching home...."

kitschmas

2006-12-27T08:57:00.000+11:00

i always thought my christmas was missing something. turns out it was a fibre optic nativity scene..........or maybe the throw the beanbag at the holy family game. hopefully next year jesus's b'day will be complete AND maybe someone will get me a "wtfwjd" tshirt too
(you seriously have to click the pics)

the art of mulitple deaths

2006-12-20T16:11:00.000+11:00

left voice: here chicky chicky chickyyyyyyyyy
right voice: heeeeeeeeeeeere chicky chicky

oh the poor chick doesnt know where to go or what to do. damn this one body two heads business. wheres the chainsaw? and which head should go? oh no! now im in two minds too.......

click the pic and have a peek at sarinas stuff too

squeeeebay

2006-12-17T21:39:00.000+11:00

the trapeze is a truly dangerous piece of apparatus as this poor toy demonstrates - yet his bravery is unmatched as he still clings on with his remaining hand and foot to entertain the masses.....

(click the pic for further disturbances & dont forget to read the descriptions attached)

slinky linx

2006-12-13T13:16:00.000+11:00

i couldnt wait for easter to show you this. its too fantastic. now i have to walk into jp's school (catholic) and try not to burst into village ppl mode everytime i do

so then my brother sends me this - i like it for the flow chart of reason cause i can relate. the rest of the story is pretty funny too

at archie mcphee get the gift for someone they never knew they wanted (or if you want to buy me a gift, go there)

and in case you wondered what the easter bunny is up to.........

oh and cause i called this entry slinky linx i thought maybe this or this would make sense

flaky

2006-12-05T15:36:00.000+11:00

because we just dont get flakes here.......yea ok cept me and we need more dammit

go forth and multiply

if that didnt get you into the spirit then this wont either

not only can you resist christmas, you can become a socialist/environmentalist/scrooge too! you wont find any pics of unhappy kids here (but you wont find any happy ones either)

be sure to checkout the links santarchy in the usa and tree revolt

and finally a christmas shakeup with this

useless intuitive skills

2006-12-01T15:42:00.000+11:00

because its not important, i did this

You impressively scored
80%

"Definitely time to get tested."

You personally got 16 of the 20 people correct and were better at recognizing girls than guys. Overall, you guessed better than 87% of all test takers.

http://www.okcupid.com/gaydar

yep apparently i can peg 16 out of 20 ppl that are gay................strangely, im impressed that i bettered 87% of you in something that doesnt bother me

public liability

2006-11-30T20:59:00.000+11:00

r has this fantastic way of farting, looking horrifically shocked at you, then saying "scuse you your bottom" and of course falling into fits of hysterical laughter

today, r and i went to my school to sort some stuff out with my course coordinator (id say revered but..........nah) who was rather informative and it was all very polite and lovely. as we left the office, just out of sight he lets on rip in the Hall Resounding

"scuse you your bottom mum"

its like blaming the dog isnt it cept i dont think dogs look shocked, go bright red, stand around with their mouths open then realise theres no point in even trying to blame the persecutor cause kids are soooooooooo honest and so no one will believe you anyway.....................

forward and recurse

2006-11-26T20:01:00.000+11:00

just to add to the email about forwarding "if you dont forward this, you will die a slow and horrible death or live a terrible life" emails

"or one of 3 chickens that your whacky next door neighbours acquired will get stressed and fly into your tree then said neighbours will send kids over to climb said tree and you will spend the next half hour convincing them a) the tree is not strong enough to support their weight b) no they cant take a wheelie bin through your house to stand on and wave a rake at the chicken and c) to leave the poor bloody thing alone"

im still not forwarding those emails. ill take the slow and horrible death and strange things i be cursed with thanx. this way, i have a life to blog about.....

:wonders if you can backward emails instead:

linkerage

2006-11-26T14:22:00.000+11:00

today gushed at this

giggled at this (its NOT about me)

got confused at this (theres a particular line in it. youll know it when you see it)

and found endless amusement in this (im hungry now)

and theres me showing off that i now know how to do the link thing in my blog

the end
ish........

Look Around You - 1 - Maths

2006-11-23T02:33:00.001+11:00

damn this "post to blog" feature on youtube.......

i keep meaning to tell you about friday night but i cant explain how the eyeball licking started...... so heres some education instead

Vitas

2006-11-21T16:46:00.001+11:00

i think the real musicians here are the ones wearing hoods... the singing guy is just an attention whore

lisa doesnt like to share

2006-10-29T21:26:00.002+11:00

today i realised just how well ive been raised in terms of generosity because lisa asked me to stop sharing

i have a filthy redwine hangover which the symptoms of this particular type of hangover (for me) include:

- belching green gas which goes on to develop its own personality (we named them all phil cause they all have the tendency to fill a room and just hang around long after you leave it)
- incessant bitching about anything (just trying to make conversation)
- comments in an icecream shop regarding the colour of somone elses icecream and how long through the digestive process would that colour remain intact

apparently these behaviours and others are less than desirable in any setting because at some point, lisa asked me to stop sharing

i cant believe shes so selfish................

(i love you lisa ;pxxx)

an extra scene at the drive-in

2006-10-15T15:07:00.001+10:00

right at the end of the holidays of terror, destruction, psychopaths and boredom i decided to take the boys to the drive-ins with some other friends

we parked right up the front and laid out mattress, blankets, pillows and movie food stuffs and set out to watch The Wild and Monster House....

IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why the fuck havent i done this before? oh thats right..............im crap at organising anything

right at the end of the movies, rj went running towards the great screen infront of us i assumed to play on the grass for a minute while we packed up

then the lights went on

then ppl leaving turned their headlights on too

and there was my child, in the spotlights, facing the screen, in all his pants down glory, peeing.

i thought he really enjoyed the movies but that just screamed "I PISS ON YOUR SHOW"

he returned to us wondering what the joke was he seemingly missed cause the asphyxiation from laughing so hard had taken over and rendered us unable to tell him

poor thing, he misses out on so much.......................

gypped

2006-09-26T19:16:00.000+10:00

at the shops today, i saw a stall selling bedsheets, linen and towels etc advertising:

"real egiptian cotton"

the question remains: who is being gipped here?..............

hear and nowish

2006-09-24T20:20:00.000+10:00

lately, rj and jp have been giving my auditory pathways something akin to aural hiccups. the info goes in like normal but something, around half way, involuntarily tries to push it back out because it just doesnt sound quite right.

e.g:

rj: mum, you can have a baby and his name is casper and he will be my big brother

----------------------------------

rj: i want a house with 100 windows (will draw plans with or without request)
me: how many doors baby
rj: 100
jp: how many rooms
rj: 5
jp: how many toilets in each room
(me: rolls eyes)
rj: 5

-------------------------------------

jp: MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM WE NEED A SMALLER TOILET
me: sweetheart. youve been sleepwalking, ill get you back to bed ok
jp: we need a smaller trampoline then

------------------------------------

rj: ive got muscles! (flex flex)
me: youve been telling us for the last half hour baby. like we've been telling you that we dont need your muscles, we need your veins for 2 tiny vials of blood

-------------------------------------

in other news....................*blank*

appearances

2006-08-27T00:36:00.000+10:00

on the news front, action man has been making himself known around my house again. bastard must have snuck into the removalist van when i wasnt looking

i hate you action man. you wont take the garbage out..............

humani ties

2006-06-07T20:01:00.000+10:00

this morning i disproved my theory that my car doesnt need petrol to run and its just a big threat by oil companies to make us buy it.

i am eternally grateful to the lovely young woman who stopped, then went to get me some petrol and came back with her hubby and petrol and stayed and made sure the car started properly which meant flagging down some old buys in bike pants (thankfully, also on bikes) to push my car off the hill it was facing up so i could get to the petrol into the engine to get to the station to get more - completely free of charge. take a note and stick that up you greedy oil people.

i would like to express thanks/bemusement (same thing here) at those in their really expensive cars who slowed, wound down a window, asked if i was ok, then drove off never to return when i said "im out of petrol".

all 5 of you.

im glad to see humanity extends as far as not only laughing at me standing in the pissing down rain next to a badly parked car but you also need to make sure you are right to laugh at me.

bet you own shares in the oil companies dont you. show us your ecological footprint then. this is a time when smaller is better. soon youll have destroyed the planet so badly that nothing will be able to sustain and we'll all be dead.

see who is laughing then.........

a tale of two messes

2006-05-14T14:12:00.000+10:00

there are times when natural curiosity is a good thing

when i picked up jp from school the other day, he presented me with a small amount of a white creamy looking substance in some plastic wrap

jp: look what i got mum!
me: what is sweetheart?
jp: it exploded from MrC! it was sooooooooo funny!
me: should i be calling the authorities baby?

oneday jp will make a connection between him opening his mouth and me falling to the ground in fits of laughter. just to make sure phone calls werent necessary, i questioned this eruption from MrC a little more.

silly me.

me: so what happened?
jp: wellllllllllllllllllllll. he was holding it and it was all hard so he crunched it with his hands and it exploded every where! (hysterical giggling ensues). it went everywhere even in his hair!

so im thinking now that my 6yr old could single handedly shut down the entire Catholic school system with just a few words

me: baby, what did MrC have that was hard?
jp: the white stuff mum. it was in a packet and he had to crunch it so we could mix it with water.
me: was it cornflour sweetheart?
jp: (rolls eyes) how else are we going to make goop mum?
me: sorry angel you just werent using the right words for my shoddy comprehension skills.
jp: you never understand me

goop is a simple mix of cornflour and water and often some food colouring. loads of fun but as you can see, sometimes makes things messy.................

toenail

2006-05-03T12:06:00.000+10:00

i lost a toenail today

id like to give you some great big klutzy story about how it happened but i cant. i wish it was some gross horror story about how i got it stuck in a door and have waited weeks whilst watching it go varying shades of bruise til it finally lifted but i cant.

i simply felt some pain, looked down and there it was:

one toe incomplete without purple sparkles for decoration.

i have no idea how my middle toenail was suddenly missing complete with bleeding. i wasnt pissed nor reality challenged (sadly). and no said detachment to be found anywhere. maybe its made its way to a sausage roll factory somewhere for the next unsuspecting consumer. good luck to it.

so to protect - ok compensate - nailess toe is now sporting a bandaid wrapped around its tiny self with purple glitter nailpolish on it

ah my again complete feet.............

a mans appreciation

2006-04-22T11:18:00.000+10:00

i missed a delivery the other day so i went down to the courier warehouse to retrieve the package.

a man came over to ask me if i needed help which was possibly very considerate of him or just part of the job discription and requirements that earned him his pay. either way, he wasn't very enthusiastic. i handed over the "we waited til the second you walked out the door and then tried to deliver something" docket which he looked at, sighed and wandered off. it could not have been outdone by marvin.

not sure whether to follow him or not. i stayed where i was and watched him disappear into an office where he did just that. disappear. i assumed that it wouldnt be that hard to find the package as theyd only tried to deliver it the day before. five minutes later, he emerged, glanced around the massive warehouse, and did his disappearing act again. several more minutes later (by now im thinking this guy is a magician on weekends but practices at work), he came out still empty handed and went off to rummage amongst a pile of packages and emerged almost triumphantly with the small yet urgent (for me - definitely not him) delivery. he read the label and suddenly it was more significant and far more exciting than your average package.

he practically bounded over to me apologising profusely for the wait and then announced to me he understands as he has his medical supplies delivered to him from sydney as well.

"oh?" i enquired. i felt like he had been busting to tell someone this story forever. as it turns out, he has antirejection drugs delivered to him. a few years ago he had a double lung transplant because of some rare yet obviously life taking lung disease and he was now several years past his "use by" date he beamed at me. god love him. my package seemed so insignificant by now. i felt like giving it back to him and saying "ever so sorry to trouble you" or something.

he then also chose that moment to tell me that he now has a womans lungs to which i replied "wow youre the only guy ive met who can look down at his chest and truly appreciate it".

thankfully, he also had a sense of humour....................

action man

2006-04-09T08:10:00.000+10:00

some time ago, the entire mc'd(eath) toy collection did a mass exodus from my house.

two garbage bags worth left their comfort zone to the big wide world and made their way to the nearest vinnies bin. amongst these, were an array various action man figures and his props. with a childs supervision, he could catch a flying fox between chairs, he could ski in the shower, ride a snowmobile on the carpet, four wheel drive across my foot and sidle along the death defying edge of the coffee table. too many appeared to count and strangely, alot more than happy meals were ever bought.

these tiny little figurines seemed to multiply as soon as your back was turned. according to the spraypaint pants he wore, there was no apparent genitalia nor any other breeding apparatus to speak of. however (and not for those reasons), he was coaxed into a bag and sent on his way.

or so i thought.

i noticed one around the house and thought that maybe i missed one. then another and another. this is just plain creepy. what is he doing back here? what does he want from me? i mean really, if someone wrapped you in plastic and gave you away, would you come back? does action man have any self-esteem? there seems to be more to this guy than the spotty, gum-chewing, teenage server whose only concern was if i wanted fries with that ever suspected at the time of order.

maybe he's come back to prove he is indeed a man of action. he made his way out of a charity bin to come back to me. but is he going to do the dishes? will he vacuum daily? will i get breakfast in bed? will he constuctively criticise my assigments? and most importantly, will he take the garbage out?

i dont fucking think so........................

how to make soup

2006-04-05T20:02:00.000+10:00

in just 8 easy steps!

1. decide the only thing in the house to eat would be pea and ham soup
2. fill up large soup pot with water and install hambone
3. place pot on stove and turn on to "high"
4. realise, after a minutes silence, that you've turned on the wrong hotplate
5. pick up pot lid which is covering the hotplate which is actually turned on by handle on top which is not yet hot
6. whilst figuring out where to put lid and how to get soup pot onto hot element, vaguely wonder if human flesh really does smell like pork when cooked and what is that feint sizzling noise
7. drop lid anywhere that is not near human flesh as your question has just been answered
8. tend to 2nd degree burn on right pinky finger running down side of hand

bon appetite!

describe me - NOW!

2006-04-03T22:12:00.000+10:00

i was just chatting online with a wonderful friend who suddenly had an urge to sum me up......

"you're a treasure to me. An anchor, too. Like a jewel encrusted anchor. But pretty too. Like a really pretty, jewel encrusted, non-anchor shaped anchor".

"with boobs"

thanks m, the shape of my everything is so much clearer
love you i so do
;p xxx

the rebuttal

2006-04-03T21:39:00.000+10:00

hey loser

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHEHEHEHEHEHE
HOOOOOOOOOOHEEHEE
HMMMMMMM
*snort*
heheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
nearly finished *gigglegiggle*
*guffaw**sniff*hahahaha
nuh
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
HHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH
HEHE
HEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAHAHAHAHAH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*OUCH THIS HURTS*
oh man
wow
k

i never realised you were so funny!
;p

the recital

2006-04-02T09:13:00.000+10:00

dear hotmuffin

sorry i havent been in touch for so long but i can explain it all.

see when i went interstate and snapped the achilles tendon in my ankle whilst playing a spot of tennis with the lads, it rendered me completely unable to email. however, thankfully (for me), i was still able to go on to dating sites that i had absolutely no idea that you would know i had signed up with. it must have been fantastic for you when your friend and you were looking up her nephew and found me there too! and then you found me on another one! wow you must be psychic or something cause chicks arent that smart as to think i would be one, let alone two.

going on these sites to find chicks was so much easier than emailing you. that doesnt require a brain whereas trying to think of something to say to you to at least appear intelligent was far beyond my capabilities and seemingly my achilles tendon is also attached to my brain and as it had snapped................

and of course i possess all the attributes that would impress a girl. own apartment, bmw & money. what else could you possibly want? i mean really, a brain, decent conversation, and (god-forbid) a personality have no purpose for anything. any inclination of that being important obviously makes you stupid.

so i thought i would not speak to you for a month and then expect you to still want me when i did get in touch with you again. how could you not? and then i would give you some vague explanation about it all that you would agree with and, of course, welcome me back with open legs.

i thought it would also be fun to tell you several times that i will let you know what time we could meet up for me to tell you everything and then not call you. it could only make you want me more..............

yours in all shallowness
loser

False Advertising

2006-03-27T20:15:00.000+11:00

as i may have mentioned before, my home is being sold out from underneath me.

today, i was wandering out to the car to find a flag so rj could copy the colours for his homework. when i got to the front door, there was a policeman behind my friends car which was parked on the grass strip outside the gate. i thought he was going to fine her for parking there so i enquired if everything was ok because, to the best of my knowledge, she hadnt done anything illegal. and besides, my guilt levels were about to soar as it was me who told her to park there (oh great, now i have guilt!).

the policeman looked at me with the same kind of confusion that mr c had a few days ago then gestured beyond my friends car and over the road.

oh. ok then.

for the second time in a year, the TRG were attempting to coax someone out of a house using:
full body armour
loaded weapons
alot of them
a megaphone

these tactics worked about 2 hours later. i dont know which one was the decider (im going for megaphone or the guy was too turned on by the whole uniform thing that he just had to come out). anyway, my friends car was no longer doing its public service a shield betweeen the policeman and any stray projectile.

my house has been advertised as being on a "quiet and popular street". obviously, the person who wrote that, visited while my street was having an off day.............

food for thought

2006-03-25T19:53:00.000+11:00

we had yet another trip to sydney to do on friday. hospital appointments on friday and a massive family reunion the next. rj and i went to pick up jp from school at lunchtime to embark on another massive expedition. on our way in the door, we encountered jp's teacher whom rj went running up to shouting excitedly:

"FISH IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

poor mr c. if he didnt already deal with one child who thinks trees come from rainbows, he was now dealing with one who apparently has fish for brains. he stood momentarily and just stared at rj with his head slightly to one side. if he did it any longer, he probably would have gotten that twitch thing happening in one eye. he thought the better of it and looked at me instead.

meanwhile, in MY head, scenes from Finding Nemo were flashing through it. the scene where Nemo finally escapes but through a catastophic series of events, ends up in the awful Darla's (p. sherman. 42 wallaby way, sydney - the dentist's neice) hair and she slaps her head repeatedly screaming "fish in my hair".

then my brain changed channel and suddenly it was a hitchikers-guide-to-the-galaxyatariun babelfish in there. wow. it all made sense now. i will never have to explain how rj's cochlear implant works again. EVER. i will simply need to utter the word "babelfish" and ppl will just say "aaaaaaaaaaaaaah" instead of nodding as if they understand yet dont at all (the empty-eyed look gives it away ppl).

mr c was still waiting. the simple explanation to it all was that i made tuna pasta for them the night before and i told rj that fish is really great brainfood................

where do trees come from?

2006-03-21T21:18:00.000+11:00

jp was late for school today (im still looking for something to blame but i got nothing).

i stopped outside his classroom to admire the sweet little 6yr old rainbows that were plastered on the noticboard. most were preprinted that just needed some colouring in and the theme seem to run with also drawing in ppl who you love most such as family members, pets, friends etc (though i was somewhat disturbed the one that had a beautiful bright rainbow and the family drawn completely in black). the rainbows were stretched across 2 clouds -most of which were coloured yellow or pink or whatever colour a cloud comes in.

then there it was. the rainbow extending across the sky from green clouds. closer inspection below the clouds revealed brown leg-like drawings to the ground. and i thought "oh how sweet. this one thought they were trees not clouds". on even closer inspection i realised:

ONLY MY CHILD WOULD THINK THAT TREES COME FROM RAINBOWS

anticipation jp's next installment of thought is often why i get out of bed in the morning..........

trips down memory lane to procrastinate

2006-03-18T22:47:00.000+11:00

i found this game i used to play but never got very far on cause my puter was so old that nothing loaded within a half hour inbetween scenes.

being the patient person im not, i gave up really easily. but now (ty pauly), i have new not-so-but-more-so-than-the-last-super-puter! and the scenes load up faster and quicker and even in alot less time.

oh and then i found the sequel to it. there goes my night of chemistry, biology and organisational psychology but its just so cute! its not hard at all, its just fun and cute! unlike the 3 subjects im meant to be pursuing academically or something like that and when ppl say "what did you do on the weekend" i can say "i studied my arse off unlike the st patricks day reveller i see standing in front of me looking crappy" (that'll hide my hatred of them that they actually got to go out to celebrate anything at all).

unfortunately, to complete part 2 (i got to complete part 1 of part 2 but i completely finished part 1 of the original cause it was the only part) you need to buy the full version. being a cheap uni student, i will never see part 2 of part 2.

oh you want to know what it is..................

http://analogik.com/multimedia_samorost.asp

and then
http://www.samorost2.net/

hell check out the whole analogik site it seems pretty good - specially if youre looking to fail......

the klutz factor

2006-03-14T23:44:00.000+11:00

note to brain: when waxing, make sure hair is tied up and nowhere NEAR waxstrip.
everyone else (internally): i thought the the purpose of the activity was to apply wax to hair for removal of it(?)
me: uh huh but only the hair you WANT to remove.
everyone else: ahhhhhhhhhh (sigh of realisation)

i, as a chick who likes quick yet painful forms of hair removal, thought it would be a great idea to wax - at midnight (tired brain). the wax strips got stuck in the hair on my head (which is NOT to be removed under pain of slow and horrible death) not once but 3 times. and on the first occasion, i stood there with empty hands wondering where the waxstrip was. the next two were pretty obvious.

yay sticky hair me.

im so sorry you all missed the show. ill be sure to try it again (or something equally as stupid) sometime soon so ill send invites. those interested in attending, pls let me know. i promise you wont be disappointed.............

seriously boy stuff

2006-03-13T00:47:00.000+11:00

my sweet little jp, 6, was entertaining a friend this evening in the loungeroom whilst i was entertaining other friends in my bedroom (yea ok i know what it sounds like. those who know me will be wondering too). the squeals of giggles were only overshadowed by the stunned and confused disbelieving type laughter from our guest.

i should never have enquired about it - never ever ever EVER. my friend, b, announced that jp had just said that "he needs to restart his penis".

being a not male, i tried to enquire further into this new phenomenon - i mean if my 6 yr old knows, surely i would know something too. apparently not. its seems to be a secret between the boys. the gut wrenching laughter told me they could keep that one too.

pls god, may he not go to school tomorrow and tell his teacher about his weekend. they know too much already.................

repercussions of charlie

2006-03-07T23:56:00.000+11:00

Q: how do you know when your 7yr old has watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory one too many times?

A: when he sticks his chewing gum IN his ear to eat dinner

unfortunately for all witnesses, r hasnt realised that violet beauregarde sticks said gum behind her ear. and yes, gum was removed from ear for the purposes of chewing continuity and the pride in which he put the gum back in his mouth, i didnt have the heart to stop him. he's still alive.

j was making some snot sucking gurgling sounds the other day. he announced to me from the backseat :

j: its not snot mum. its its its its
m: phlegm?
j: yea that
m: so whats the difference between snot and phlegm then?
j: snot
m: ah, of course!
j: and i can only suck out half my brain in a whole year

my apparent lack of education in these matters can only be enhanced by the miseducation i am now receiving..............

babes..........

2006-03-03T20:33:00.000+11:00

my six yr old just came in with a rather long piece of string and asked if i could tie him up like a worker.

for some reason, i found it necessary to verify with him that he meant something like construction worker. the half-rolled-wide-eyed (with eyebrow slightly raised) response was enough to tell me i would be completely moronic to think otherwise.

the silent conversation that entailed went something like this:
j: "what other workers are there mummy?"
m: "oh none really sweetheart"
j: "then why did you ask me that stupid question"
m: "well hmmmmm. maybe there is such things as plant workers and i thought that i might have to tie you up to the fence like a passionfruit vine, seeing as you took the string from the vine that was tied to the fence"
j: "my friends are right. you are crazy. only girls can be tied to fences - not boys"

he ran off happily with his string safety harness tied around him to look for a hardhat (step 2 in the safety procedure apparently). what he never saw was the big string bow i'd tied at his back......

yesterday was spent at hospital with both 6 & 7 yr old boyz. mr 7, r, had 3 appointments (2 of which we actually made it to). the most interesting being the CT scan.

i was initially told that r would need to lie still for 3 minutes whilst the scan was performed. i told them to start preparing the anaesthetic. did the person arranging all these appointments take any note as to WHY he needed them? maybe they love it when kids completely crack it - it makes the day far more interesting.
r & i walked into the scan room leaving j in the little room next door. r, who i had had major discussions with over what it would be like to lie still for 3 minutes (theoretically, it sounded lovely to him), took one look at the Homer Simpson Dream Bed - a giant donut with a bed that slides through it - and said "i want to go home" (fair enough mate). he was slightly tempted with the promise of a ride but fear had already set in and getting him to do it would be like dragging him into a burning house.
at that point, j - aka Daredevil Dan - walked in and took one look at the chance of being put through a giant donut said "oh WOW! can i have a go?" to which we all replied "of course". j was launched gently through the donut and back. r could barely contain himself "my turn! my turn!".
thanks Daredevil Dan, you saved the day again!
during said scan, (which occured after they insisted i wear the lead apron even if they "could fry my ovaries for all i cared"), j was allowed to go and sit with the guys and watch the scan. i believe the words i heard were "is that my brothers BRAIN?" in the same context of "does he ACTUALLY have one?"
the initially requested 3 minutes of lying still was actually 3 seconds. those liars. but we did discover that r is actually capable of 3 still seconds. it was a very enlightening day.
r claimed after his scan that his brain was now "all better". wow! the machine gave him the missing bits back? no wonder its so hard to get an appointment with these ppl! r did get to see the pics himself which he was also seemingly very impressed that there was evidence he has a brain. he wants to show his class.

thankyou my babes. i have never known any other children that would go running INTO a hospital............

the hangover and too much memory

2006-02-25T19:26:00.000+11:00

these 2 day "thou shalt suffer" hangovers a really taking its toll.

i dont know if i suffer far greater cause i remember disjointedly EVERYTHING i got up to and cringe at several memories and laugh uncontrollably in public about others. its the "oh shit" memories that i think are the ones that i think are the cause of the extension of the suffering.

and no, you will never hear the words "i'm never drinking again" from me unless its the pained wailing from hearing the news that the world has run dry.

my beautiful friend L and i have become used to waking up in the morning and saying "we're in trouble arent we?". and then we remember what for. and then realising how influentual we can be when pissed. kinda feel like the borg "resistance is futile". not that we're assimilating anyone, we just dont think anyone has ever said no to either of us nor our apparently brilliant ideas at the time.

some of last thursday nights bright ideas involved:

1. drinking
2. handcuffing a friend to my bed and taking pics
3. handcuffing the boyfriend of the girl taking the pics to my bed - while she again, took pics
4. showing them a website NO ONE should ever have to see. next time, ill bring buckets.
5. ringing ppl and telling them to bring more alcohol
6. telling EVERYONE (10 or more of us) to get on the trampoline designed to hold two kids at a max of 120kg at once - thankfully, it is still intact
7. convincing a friend she really doesnt need her boyfriend of 3yrs cause she has us and she really should be sleeping with the guy who just left
8. giving out really intimate tips to guys about women and sex (without demonstration)
9. going to bed BEFORE everyone left. L and i got handcuffed together by someone on their way out the door.

and of course, sleeping in the next morning, getting 2 boyz ready for school in the space of half an hour and praying that my six year old would lie to his teacher (in catholic school) and NOT say "im late because mum drank alot with her friends last night, and woke up handuffed to L who had lost her bra which we finally found under mums bed".

thank god we decided that it was too early to burn the "for sale" sign that has appeared out the front in the last week. i saw the real estate guy last night at woolworths and my head wasnt working fast enough to make up any stories. my only defence would have been "i heard they glow really nicely when you burn them".

then the most fantastic quote came from P: "they were at it like rabbits on dex"........ sometimes we think P has seen a little too much in his lifetime....

oh shit i did it

2006-02-22T22:00:00.000+11:00

because none of you are online ive been forced to do this..........

create my own blog spacey thingy

i guess its more feasable to tell the truth. im really just procrastinating and its only the first week of uni but my head is already full and i thought mindless is the only way to go for now. so i did the most mindless and ordinary thing i could think of - entered the world of weblogging.

having said all that, hugh jackman is waiting for me dressed up as wolverine and acting out the scenes in XMEN2.

"ill have the mindless WITH eyecandy thankyou"

oh and for those of you who can live without hugh but not johnny http://www.ohjohnny.net/index2.html. i think the idea here is to wallpaper your room with pics of johnny but no two have to be the same. click . print. *sigh* click. print *sigh* - you get the idea.....................